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Posted on: May 12, 2015
Surrender, Trust, Accept
- The Life Mantra of Sai Student Susmita Patnayak
Part 03
Every Earnest Effort and Pure Thought Would Please Him
We all became very quiet when we heard Him say this. We returned to Anantapur and you won’t believe for a week till next Sunday I remember our hostel with 400 of us, was pin-drop silent 24 hours a day. There was not a noise. Nobody would talk. The next Sunday when we came back to Parthi, Swami blessed us with an interview and in the interview He said, “You all are My children and you have to be disciplined. I don’t want you to waste your time, waste your energy talking, don’t talk needlessly. Be disciplined children. When you are disciplined, I will be very nice to you.” He was very happy, He spoke to us for a very long time, blessed us with namaskaram and sent us back. Swami could thus be strict with us when we made mistakes but He would become very sweet to us when we made a course correction and He would show us His appreciation immediately.
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Once I remember we were waiting for Swami's darshan and mandir volunteers gave us a flower garland that had been offered to Swami. We all cut it into small pieces and passed it on to all the girls, till all of us had a few flowers from this garland in our hair.
After some time Swami came straight to us, and said, “I know, I know, like sisters you all shared the flowers amongst you ...this is unity, you live like sisters. Swami loves this. I am very happy with you”. With such a small gesture, we made Him so happy. He said, “Live like this, live like sisters. You must share everything.” So even in little things Swami used to inspire us, motivate us and appreciate us.
Those days arches had been made in darshan ground and during afternoon darshan we sought some shade under those arches. Bhagawan would come and mutter words to suggest we were rabbits and squirrels, like the designs on the arches. We wondered what He meant. Later, when He gave us an interview, some of us courageously asked “Swami, always You call us rats and rabbits. What does that mean? We don’t understand.”
Then Swami told us, “See, what does the rat do? It goes on moving from room to room, gnawing and destroying things. Rabbits keep hopping from this place to that place and what do you do in the hostel? You keep going from room to room and talking instead of going to sleep, even after the lights are switched off. I know, I know everything, and that’s why I call you rabbits and rats. You are not supposed to do that. You should not talk unnecessarily.”
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He made it clear that He did not like our unnecessary socialising even when we were in Prasanthi Nilayam, or in the mandir. He was clear that we should not unnecessarily talk to people, interfere in others' business or make unnecessary friends. Only the socialisation which helps in our spiritual uplift, namely satsang should be inculcated. Time is a precious, divine gift. It must not be wasted in useless activities that distract us from our higher goal in life.
He Silently Instills Strengths, Which Surface When Put Through Trials
KM: Susmita, your experiences as a Sai student over a period of about 12 years sound like a dream, with an abundance of divine grace being poured upon you. Who could have guessed that through this downpour of grace, Swami was actually preparing you for the biggest challenge of your life?
I understand once you got married, you had to call upon all your inner strength to get through some enormous difficulties in your personal life because a close family member was suffering from undiagnosed mental health issues. As a result, you went through a lot of personal trauma. Clearly this is a very sensitive subject, but to whatever extent you can share how you survived it by falling back upon everything that Swami taught you during your Anantapur years in terms of His counsel, the clarity of priorities, the thought process, the inner strength, and utter surrender, your sharing could benefit many others.
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SP: I was pursuing my M.Phil in Madras University 1987 – 88 batch. Then I joined Anantapur campus and I had to teach Masters and Undergraduate classes and I was still working on my dissertation. Once, Swami gave us a staff interview where He asked me, “What do you teach?” and I said, “Swami, Philosophy.” He said “What is the meaning of Philosophy?” and I parroted the words, “Search for truth”. He said “Search for truth? Truth is everywhere; where will you go and search for truth? It is everywhere.” Then instantly He gave me the inner inspiration so I said, “No Swami it is the vision of truth”. He said, “It is sathya darshana, vision of truth”.
Then Swami asked me what I was doing and discussed about my doctorate. He told me to do Ph.D under the guidance of a man and not a woman and advised me to follow all academic procedures and processes.
Somehow, till today I have not done my Ph.D. But through all this, suddenly there was a proposal for my marriage. I didn’t know that I was to get married. It was a mystery although I knew the family. Then Swami was everything for me, even more than my parents. Naturally I asked Swami what I should tell them. Swami hesitated for a while and then He said, “Oppuko”, which means 'agree'. So I had to agree, and in the process I walked into a very mysterious marriage.
It was neither an arranged marriage nor was it a love marriage. They had proposed and I knew the family and they asked me that I should get married. I in turn asked Swami and when He advised me to 'agree', I agreed and we had the marriage.
Twenty two years ago when I got married and I went to my in-laws house, I didn’t know what life had in store for me. Given my exposure to Sai environment, I was in a very different mental space, and assumed that all I had to do was to be a good person and serve the family. I never knew much of what else was involved in getting married, getting into family life and all that. Gradually problems started to surface. I discovered that I was handling a person with a mental health issue. In the beginning I thought, ‘Well, I have to put up with everything. Probably the person is like that.’ I didn’t know how people in this condition are.
KM: Had it not been diagnosed?
SP: Nothing, nobody knew about it.
KM: Was it Bipolar disorder?
SP: It was Bipolar disorder. I didn’t know anything about it. I was thinking the person is like that. I thought I just had to put up with it. As Swami’s students we have to put up with everything I assumed and that I should not fail Swami. That was my attitude. I felt no one anywhere should say Swami’s student failed to do something. So I kept everything to myself and I went on. As time passed by the pain was intensifying. I had two sons with four years gap. I was involved fully with the family and the challenge was growing. Every moment I was conveying to Swami everything that was happening, through internal dialogue, purely heart to heart.
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KM: Were you the object of the person’s anger?
SP: I wouldn’t say anger, can we say it is anger? I don’t know whether it is anger.
KM: Were you the victim of the person's mental disturbance?
SP: Yes, yes! And I didn’t know how to handle. All the while I was thinking that the person is made like that and I have to put up with that. At the same time, every minute, every moment I was conveying to Swami and it became such a habit for me, that any time I was hurt by anybody, I would instantly say, “Swami is there for me.” That was the only sentence, very strongly, very boldly, very confidently I would blurt out without thinking.
I didn’t think whether what I was telling was right or wrong, but I never doubted it. It just used to come out and life went on. I always felt there is a strength within me and I knew Swami was with me; I could feel it. I never did tell Swami in darshan line either. I used to come to Parthi once a year at least, during December. I would wait for a glance from Swami. Sometimes I would say, “Swami, I am going back” and He would say, “Santosham Bangaru.” Although He said 'very happy', the word 'bangaru' is very significant as it means gold.
Gold means God uses you. To transform gold into an ornament the goldsmith puts it through a process. It has to go through a furnace, hammering, chiselling, polishing, cutting, mending and welding before becoming a beautiful ornament worthy of adorning the Lord. So when Swami calls us 'Bangaru' you know very well a lot of inner work, pain, heat are going to be involved.
KM: I am so sorry for interrupting you…I really have to share something right now. As soon as I asked Susmita the question about the biggest challenge in her life, something unusual happened in the studio. We are both sitting across from each other around a round table and to our right suddenly from nowhere ...don’t know, whether it came from the sky, mid-air, somewhere or from nowhere a beautiful bangle fell on the floor and started to twirl. It looks like a glass bangle with beautiful rainbow colours on it and some delicate gold motifs. It has no joint and it didn’t break. We just heard a clink sound on the floor about two feet away from the edge of the table. So I picked it up and I know it is meant for Susmita. So where did it come from and who dropped it from wherever... we all know the answer because Bhagawan is always present in the studio.
When she was talking about the ornament I felt compelled to share that this ornament just manifested for Susmita in the studio from thin air and it was such an affirmation for both of us because we were talking about something which is very difficult for her to go through. I just had to bring you all into this moment. So, Susmita, please carry on!
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SP: Thank you Karuna! And then what happened gradually was that things started to spiral from bad to worse. My children were growing up and I was feeling that the impact may fall on children so I wanted to put my elder son into hostel and I always preferred Swami’s hostel. He was in seventh standard. I came to try for his admissions but he did not get in. They said that he couldn’t be taken in seventh standard. He was very heart broken.
He is Right Behind, Waiting to Hold us When We Wilt Under Our Burdens
Again after his tenth standard I came to Parthi again. I said, “Swami, now at least you take him because he is quite grown up and I don’t want him to be influenced by any of the circumstances that I am in. The other one is younger still. So I said it is time for the elder one. Please take over Swami!” I came for his tenth standard admission then too he didn’t get, and we went back. But little did I know that my elder son’s presence was most essential for me at that time. He had to be my moral support, because Swami probably felt I needed somebody physically beside me to face my life.
During 2003–04 things reached their climax. I couldn’t face it any more. I felt that it is high time Swami interferes and I can’t handle anymore. I said, “Swami, till now I tried my level best, now You take over”. When I came to Parthi in December I was sitting beside the mandir in the first line. I still remember that security girl sister Lakshmi Menon was sitting beside me that day.
Swami was in the wheelchair. He came for darshan directly towards the ladies side. As He was approaching, I was the first person in the line. When I saw Swami I broke down. I never wanted to cry because Swami never wanted tears in our eyes, but I couldn’t control it. I just couldn’t control. I covered my face and only my eyes were seen and I was sobbing and sobbing. Lakshmi kept on nudging, “Didi, don’t cry, Swami doesn’t like it.” But I couldn’t stop myself. Swami paused there and kept staring at me for five minutes, more than five minutes. I was sobbing hard. He waited for me and He was looking at me all through and when I was under control a bit He started moving. He came closer. When He reached near me, He stretched His left hand towards me, and I knew what was the meaning of it, but we were trained not to touch Swami. I didn’t want to catch His hand because I wanted Swami to catch my hand. I was like a small girl who was crossing a swinging bridge with her father. When her father said, “Child hold my hand lest you fall” and the little girl said “Father you hold my hand I may slip off if I catch your hand but if you hold my hand I will never slip out of your grip.” So I wanted Swami to catch my hand. I didn’t want to take Swami’s hand.
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In my mind I put my hand into Swami’s hand. Since that moment, Swami caught hold of my hand and till date He has not dropped it. I know He will never drop it. He looked at me. He put his hand back. He went off. He took a circle around the ladies in the centre block. After taking a whole round, He again came back to the point where He was initially. From there again He stared at me. By that time I had stopped crying. I knew He was there. He confirmed to me that He was there with me because He paused again and looked at me for a while - about two minutes, and then He went back to the verandah.
I went back home and as I had wanted and as He willed it, He took over the matter. Very miraculously things started changing and all of a sudden a close relative of mine discovered the problem in my life. That person just came to know. Till then nobody knew about it except Swami and I. I didn’t know that it was an illness and I was thinking probably I had to undergo all that and that I don’t want to question, I don’t want to discuss.
I assumed that was the personality I had to put up with. When it went out of my hand I prayed to Swami. I surrendered in desperation, not out of love. I told Swami I can’t do it anymore, you have to take over and then He took it over. So that person told me that I should go to a psychiatrist for help, which I did. Eventually it was diagnosed as bipolar.
KM: Did the concerned family member cooperate with you to go to see a psychiatrist?
SP: First I had to dispense medication without the person's knowledge and Swami’s unseen hand was always there. He was always beside me. The family member cooperated. We went and Swami looked after everything. Everything is under control right now and I am at peace. After completing his 12th standard, Swami accepted my elder son in His divine University. He is currently pursuing Masters in Computer Application in the Sai University and this year my younger son too finished his grade ten and now he is in 11th standard in Swami’s Higher Secondary School. Swami is taking care of both the boys now. He has taken them into His fold and I know because I had told Swami He had to take over after their Grade 10. It was a demand! I never requested and I never prayed. I only said, Swami it’s a demand You take over and He has taken over. Now there is peace in the family. There is all calmness, only bliss, only Swami and nothing else.
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Surrender is the Greatest Strength of the Truly Strong
KM: Wow! What pure gold you are Susmita! You truly have been through the process of smelting, chiselling, polishing and look at you today.
SP: That’s all Swami’s grace. I don’t know, I told you already that my marriage is a mystery. I told you because I still don’t understand. I always feel Swami has deployed me there on some job, I have to finish it. He knows what He is doing.
KM: Did you ever question what if you had said 'no' to the proposal, or what if you had not asked Swami?
SP: Never. I don’t regret it! I always accepted it as His will. I always told Swami, “Well, if You feel that I should undergo all this. I don’t know whether it is an ordeal or if it is my karma. I don’t know whether it is Your will that You want me to be there. I just don’t know anything. Whatever it may be, it is Your divine will, so give me strength to accept it.”
KM: I guess He is fast tracking you to Nirvana, with such an accelerated karmic workout. He puts a lot of His women students through it. I hear this recurring theme from so many of my sisters from Anantapur college and you are one of the few who has been so candid. I am sure a lot of people will benefit from hearing how you dealt with it.
Susmita you've lived quite a lot for a young lady who is only 49 years old right now. You are a successful, professional woman. You have been through some extremely challenging times in your personal life and now with the grace of God, you have a nice marriage and two sons both of whom are Sai students. When you look back at your journey with Swami, the golden years at Anantapur, the infinite grace, the challenges that followed, what are your final thoughts?
SP: Well, right now when I look back, the stormy sea has calmed down and on the banks I find only a pair of footprints and those are Swami's. All the while He carried me and does so till date. Right now I am very peaceful, happy with my children and my husband who is a singer and he sings in Prasanthi Nilayam for Swami and just a message to end with - I want to say,
‘God has blessed me.
I saw worst days but I have also seen better days.
I do not have all my wants but I do have all my needs.
I woke up with aches and pains but I did wake up.
My life may not be perfect, but thank God it is good!'
Sai Ram!!
- Radio Sai Team
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